i've been really tired lately, probably a medical explanation but i think some of it is just in my head. i've been getting headaches and been sleeping alot alot alot... but still i' dont seems to be sleeping even in my sleeps. I think i am dreaming away... all the nightmares that are crushing and squashing in my brain. ARG

i wish it was simple to end things this way. I ask him whether things would be the same again. But we all know is not that simple. The answer obviously lies in her.

To my dear dear sister:

If helping you means hurting me.. what am i to do? I can't be as forgiving as before. But surely i dont want to feel hatred towards you. Even now as i write this down, I feel hurt and puzzled for what have happened. I don't want to be unfeeling. I just want things to be alright.

It feel strange. Perhaps you feel you are the victim. You felt that I'm unappreciative towards you. You felt that i am ungrateful. But maybe all i wanna ask from you is what have I done? Maybe you long for some retribution to fall on me for running away from you. But dear sis, is you that drove me away from you. Who turn the back against me at the lowest point. All along i stand strong beside you, because I know you need me like I need you. Things have turn so bad that we can't turn back time anymore.

I know the answer is obvious.. I know i was never meant to be happy, i don't have the capacity for it. I know my purpose is just to try and make people feel better but i'm probably not even doing a good job at that. i'm crazy and i wish i wasn't.. i wish i could reconcile with you, i wish i could trust anyone, i wish i could trust myself.. but the colors, they all blur together and make a deep blue which sinks my soul. and sometimes things just get so heavy, i can't even think about it any more.. i just go to sleep and i wake up like its all better but it never really is.

Is not the same anymore.

I miss.. some parts of you.. I wish you know how i feel.

Even though you couldnt care less about me now.

I dont want to be an unfeeling person. I'm still the same.